Rose

I was hoping to write Rose's birth story sooner, but life has been crazy! So I apologize to everyone who has been dying to hear this story. It is a good one! Just after delivering Rose there was a party going on in our L & D room. The Dr. was practically giving out high fives to all the nurses. There was so much laughing and celebrating. Everyone was THRILLED about how it went and one of the nurses looked at me and said "DO NOT tell ANYONE this story; EVERY woman in the world will HATE you." So.. I clearly am not taking her advice.

 Let me just start by saying it did go well, incredibly well.., but please don't compare my best to your worst. As women, we tend to think that everyone else is living a better life then ours. Social media does that to us because we don't like to share the bad things. I thought I would be great at blogging during my pregnancy, but I didn't because I hated my pregnancy. There was really nothing good to say so why blog about it? It's so easy to look at others and ask ourselves why is it so easy for them and not for us? Why could she get pregnant so easily? Why does she get so lucky and never feels sick when she is pregnant? She only gained 20 lbs!?! Why did breastfeeding come so easily for her?  So I just ask that you don't read this and say why was it so easy for her? Truly it wasn't. It sounds easy! And it was really an ideal situation, but it was still the hardest thing I've ever done.

I am going to write details, so if your uncomfortable with all the details of a birth story maybe just don't read it :)

On Friday July 3rd I woke up at 8:00 a.m. to an intense contraction. Contractions weren't abnormal for me at all so it was always hard to tell if it was the real deal or not. I would often have regular contractions for several hours and then they would stop. Michael was constantly asking "Is it go time?!" All of these contractions were annoying but I do think it made it easier for me when the day finally arrived. Two days before delivery I had been in the Dr's office getting checked after a long night of constant contractions and I was dilated to a 5 and 90% effaced without being in active labor so I knew I was already half way there. The strong contraction that woke me up on Friday morning came out of nowhere and somehow I knew that it was finally the real deal.

I laid there still a little groggy from just waking up trying to gather my thoughts during this contraction and I felt a very small gush of something come out of me. I gasped, jumped out of bed, and ran to the bathroom. There was no school that day because of the holiday; thank goodness Michael was home. My voice was shaky when I yelled out "Michael... I think its go time." He came running and we were trying to decide if that little gush was my water breaking. Unlike what everyone said, it did not continue. No more trickling or anything. So maybe it wasn't my water? Then what is it? Am I in labor? Maybe I got to excited too quickly. The contractions continued, Michael went back to what he was doing, I got a piece of toast and started putting on make up. We just decided we should probably just live our day like it wasn't really happening. That didn't last long because the contractions were right on top of each other and getting really hard to ignore really fast. I told Michael that he should probably get in the shower and I started tracking the contractions. And of course, just like everything else in my pregnancy, they were not what you'd expect. They were maybe one and a half to two minutes apart. It was hard to tell because I kinda felt like I was constantly having one so it was hard to decide when to start and stop the timer during these crazy contractions. The pain didn't stop like its supposed to between contractions.

As soon as Michael got out of the shower he watched me for not very long before deciding it was time to go, I was not helpful at all at this point. I needed to just get our bags and pack the last few things before we left but that was not happening. I could hardly pull on pants so Michael was rushing about trying to get everything and just before leaving Michael gave me a blessing. It didn't last long. I don't know one word that was said, all I knew was that I did not want to be sitting down in the chair during that awful contraction and I started to dread the 5 minute car ride to the hospital. After the blessing he held me in his arms, told me he loved me, and we enjoyed one last moment together as our family of 2.

They tell you once the contractions are 4 minutes apart and lasting 1 minute for an hour its time to go. That literally happened to me several times a week so I knew I couldn't rely on that rule. Because of my strange situation my Dr. told that that when I could no longer walk or talk through contractions it was time to go. I planned on a natural birth so I wanted to labor at home for as long as possible and didn't want to go to the hospital too soon.  I was considering going to the Dr's office first to see where I was at. Thankfully, my husband is better at making decisions and took me strait to the hospital.

It was 9:30 when we arrived to the hospital. As Michael and I walked through the hospital doors I was having a fairly intense contraction I said "Oh no! I am walking through them! Maybe we're here too soon!" We got to the Labor and Delivery floor, I dropped my bag because I could not handle the extra pain that it was causing me and I leaned up against the wall to try to pull myself together a bit when a nurse came out and saw me. "Can I hel... oh I know that face, your in labor, come on in," Michael carried everything in and somehow supported me walking to the front desk where they started asking all sorts of questions. I told them that I knew I was already at a 5, about the gush of who knows what, and the contractions that I couldn't seem to track. So they told me they would take me in to triage to track my contractions and see where I was at before admitting me.

Michael quickly helped undress me and the nurse put my gown on. She then gave a little sigh and said "Okay we aren't doing this, you are clearly in labor, we are just going to admit you." We then made a short walk from that room to the the L & D room. My Dr. had just delivered a baby so they let me know since he was in the hospital they would let him check me. When we came into the room I did not want to sit on the bed so I was glad he would be there soon and then I would be able to get right back up. I sat there with a death grip on the bed rail and started to wonder if I was really going to be able to do this. I wanted to do a natural birth, and I had done all the preparing that I possibly could. But this was awful. I started thinking to myself, "OK, I know I am at least to a 5. Let's say I had to do this for 5 more hours and it will progressively get more intense. Can I really do that?"

Dr. Meredith (love him) walked in the door smiling and I told him I didn't know if I would be able to do it. I couldn't imagine it getting much more intense than that. I am sure he was looking at me thinking, "Poor, silly girl. She wanted to do it naturally and she had no idea how hard this was going to be." I had wanted a hep lock so that I wouldn't be tied down to an IV bag as well as all the other things that I had to be hooked up to. But because of how pathetic I must have looked, Dr. Meredith asked if I wanted to have them hang a couple of bags of fluid because I would have to do that first if I chose to have an epidural. I still didn't want an epidural at that point, so I didn't quite know how to answer his question. The nurse was still trying to get my hep lock in after blowing my vain on her first try when the Dr. decided to see where we were at and maybe that would help my decision.

He checked me, laughed a little and said "Oh, you are a rock star! We won't be needing that epidural. She is at and 8 or 9." I was thrilled to hear that I was in transition. This was as bad as it was going to get and I was doing it. He also told me that my water did break, but her head was so low and was acting like a plug so the rest of the water was still inside me. Three nurses starting rushing about trying to get everything set up as quickly as possible while Dr. Meredith explained to me that I would want to start pushing really soon. He told me I'd feel a lot of pressure and the desire to push would be undeniable. He instructed me to let my body do what felt right. He let me know he would come right back to check on me and then left.

Not one person knew that I was in labor at this point. I assumed I would have plenty of time after getting admitted to let family and close friends know that we were at the hospital. Michael quickly made phone calls to our parents as soon as we found out I was in transition.

Everything is so fuzzy from this point on. I wish I could remember everything that happened and in the order that it happened in, but it is all such a blur. I remember them saying "No wonder why you couldn't track your contractions. They're all over the place, and you're not really getting a break." I remember getting quite nauseous and them handing me a clear plastic bag... gross... thankfully I didn't have to use it. I remember hating the thing they use to monitor her heart rate because it made the pain so much worse. I remember I was feeling like I was being impolite and they kept telling me to stop apologizing. I remember them blowing a second vain and feeling really bad about it and I could have cared less at that moment. I remember the woman we first talked to at the front desk came in and asked Michael to sign some papers and then realized we were really already in the middle of a pretty big moment and left. I remember Michael asking me if I wanted him to hold my hand and I couldn't seem to let go of the bed railing because it was getting me through the pain and I didn't want to let that go even for a second. He decided to place his hand on mine.

Michael was a champ by the way! I knew he would be! I wanted it to just be us in the room and everyone seemed to worry that he would feel queasy or that he wouldn't be able to handle watching me in so much pain, but I knew he would be fine and that he would be just what I needed. I was right about that. He was perfect. I mean I am glad we had medical professionals there but as far as extra support, he was all I needed.

I assumed that when Dr. Meredith told me I would want to be pushing soon, he meant maybe within the next hour or so. However it had maybe been 3 minutes after him walking out of the room that I looked at my nurse, Robyn, and said "I am feeling a lot of pressure!" Her eyes got big and she paused for a second and said "Ok, well lets see.." They were still trying to get my hep lock in and I remember thinking that I hoped I didn't need blood or pit or something because I didn't know if they were ever going to get in in. Robyn checked me and let everyone know that I was complete and baby was heading down the birth canal.They started rushing about even faster as she ordered Michael to grab my leg and instructed him on how to help me, as soon as he was in position she gave me a nod and I started to push.

It was all happening so fast. Not something I prepared much for. I knew that it was possible and I had given it some thought because my sister has quick labors but I definitely assumed everything would take much longer then it did so I was kinda in shock. Pushing was a tad bit confusing because generally you push on contractions and take a break when your not having them. I didn't stop having contractions the whole time so I just pushed as much as I could and would take a few gasps in between pushing and go again. One nurse told me to breath normal when I wasn't having a contraction so that I wouldn't hyperventilate, but soon after saying that another nurse pointed out that I wasn't getting a break so I wasn't able to breath normal for long. My body was starting to tingle and I started to see stars so I let them know that I was hyperventilating. They put an oxygen mask on me which I guess must have helped because I stopped tingling and seeing stars after that.

They kept telling me that I was doing good but I didn't really believe them. I just assumed they were being nice and encouraging. I knew we hadn't been doing it for very long and first time mothers often push for a couple of hours so I was ready to keep going for a good long time. One nurse, Jill had told me that in every natural birth it seems that the mother gets to a point that they say they cant do it anymore and that is when its almost over. I assumed I must be pretty weak because I hit that point fast. They had just made me change positions because of Rose's heart rate. I still don't know what the issue was. I had been pushing sitting up with my legs pulled up high kinda like a frog and I did not want to move when they asked me to. They told me the baby needed me to move so I switched to my right side and continued pushing. It became really overwhelming and I started to cry. I told them I didn't think I could do it anymore and I wish I could remember what Jill said that got me back in the zone. I do remember her telling me that I was almost there and I needed to keep going but I didn't believe her. Something else she said really clicked with me though and I somehow found more strength and kept going.

Everyone kept repeating how good I was doing and I'll be honest, it was getting really annoying. I think I was a little snappy when I said "I feel like you guys are lying to me!" I also got annoyed by the oxygen mask and I ripped it off, They told me to put it back on, and pretty much every time they told me to do something I didn't want to. So every time they would have to say "the baby needs you too" or "the baby needs it" to get me to do it. I put the mask back on and they told me I needed to switch to my other side. Of course the same cycle continued, I didn't want to move, they tell me the baby needed me to, and I moved. I wasn't really worried until then. I really still don't know what was going on with Rose. They never told me, which I was glad for. I did say that I was worried because they seemed worried. They assured me that everything was fine they just wanted to stay on top of things so I just trusted them and kept pushing.

Michael was happily watching the whole thing and I loved the excitement in his voice. He started almost yelling "YEAH!! GOOD JOB BABE!! OH MAN, THAT WAS A GOOD ONE!! YOU ARE DOING SO GOOD!" Even though I didn't know what that meant I was still feeling pretty good about myself making him so proud. Robyn told someone to get the Dr. and that was really exciting to me. Everything was happening so fast. I knew that they wait until the baby is crowning before bringing in the Dr. so I was excited but also confused because I didn't think she could have possibly been crowning already.

"Michelle! She has hair!" Michael was just beaming. I smiled knowing that it really was almost over and Dr, Meredith came back in looking really excited. As much as I hated this part I almost wish I could relive it so I could see all the details more clearly. It happened so fast but somehow so much happened in that quick moment. Everyone worked together so perfectly. It all came together like a well-rehearsed play. They got me back into my original pushing position and pulled off the bottom of the bed as the Dr. got into position. Dr. Meredith looked quite happy as he took care of everything. Michael was so excited and clearly proud of me. The nurses were excellent at knowing just what to do. It started to burn pretty bad at this point and Dr. Meredith told me they call this feeling the ring of fire. That's a very accurate description of that feeling I'd say.. He kept pouring cool water over me which was amazingly helpful. I didn't really think I would be a screamer but during the last two or three pushes, I gave out a strange, high-pitched, shriek that I didn't recognize, which seemed to help.

It was the best feeling ever the second her head was out. It was such an interesting feeling, there was so much pressure and I almost didn't want to push because the pressure just kept building. I knew that I had to continue in order for it to go away and the harder I did it the sooner it would end. One good hard push and her head was out. My job was pretty much done and I just caught my breath while Dr. Meredith twisted her body out. Michael told me that her hand flung out right after her head which is not at all surprising. She has got that hand next to her face at all times and she was that way in every ultrasound. Dr. Meredith held up her long body and I don't know how they got the gown off me, but somehow they were able to put her directly on my skin. I just laid there holding her, feeling so glad it was over.

Her hair gets curly when its wet, so naturally it looked curly when she came out. That is really all I remember about seeing her for the first time. Honestly I don't even remember the first time I saw her face. Since she was laying on me I could look down and see the top of her head but I felt too weak to move her. I was perfectly content with the feeling that I had when she was finally in my arms.

I was so happy that I did it. I kept looking at Michael and saying that I couldn't believe that that just happened. I told them all happily that "that was so doable!" That is when I got the "don't tell woman this story." warning. They all kept telling me how abnormal of a birth that was and they started talking to each other about how much they would love for every birth to go that way. It was a really happy moment with all of them. Its funny that I have this really fond memory including 3 other people that I will never forget and I am sure they have no idea how impactful they had been in that moment. I loved my nurses and I adore that Dr.

They say there is a rush of hormones just after delivering a baby that make you forget. I'll blame those for how annoying it is to remember this moment. I felt SO out of it. I swear my brain didn't work for like the next 48 hours after delivering her. I couldn't seem to process anything, I guess its a blessing because now, rather then looking at this experience and feeling traumatized I can look at it with fondness.

It had been almost two hours of me just laying there with her on my chest and looking back it feels like a few minutes, maybe. All these little bits of pieces of the memory blend together. I remember Michael seemed excited when the Dr. asked him to cut the cord but I don't remember seeing it happen. I thanked Dr. Meredith for helping me to get pregnant and Michael seemed a little offended and jokingly mentioned that he had something to do with it too. I remember Dr. Meredith let me know I would feel a little bit of pressure and the placenta just kinda slipped out when he pushed on my uterus. I remember Michael asking about her A.P.G.A.R score and he was so thrilled that it was an 8 and 9. I asked if I tore, and I did in 3 places but only had to get one stitch. The Dr. could tell that Michael was incredibly interested in the whole process and he showed him. I remember Michael telling me how cool the placenta was and asked if I wanted a picture. I said no, but I don't know why I did that because I totally want to see it now. The nurse told us she wanted to take a picture of us which I was thankful for because I don't think I would have remembered to get one at that point. I know I fed her for the first time but I hardly remember that.

Eventually I handed her over to Michael and that was a sweet moment. He was completely smitten. He is always a really happy guy, but there is this kind of happy that I have only seen a few times. The day he got his mission call, the night he proposed, our wedding day, and then the day of our daughter's birth. It is truly sweet to see that special smile he gets in those beautiful moments. I am so glad that I am the one that gets to experience those moments with him.

Rose and I were both completely covered in all of what the inside of the uterus had to offer, as well as her meconium so I took a quick shower while Michael held her and then I watched from the bed as they gave Rose her first bath. They took all her weight and measurements there as well as told me what time she was born. She arrived at 10:37 am, weighed 7 lbs 4 oz and was 22" long. She has changed our lives forever, definitely for the better.

Rose Michelle Winters